Young Writers Society

"one night your window was open#FF0000 ">,
so #FF0000 ">I sat on the sill
and watched you try to sleep#FF0000 ">.
#FF0000 ">I told you that #FF0000 ">I could fly you out of this place#FF0000 ">, so you took my hand and said#FF0000 ">: #FF0000 ">'let's go#FF0000 ">'.
and we jumped#FF0000 ">.
you let go of everything sturdy in your life
and gravity was merciless,
but #FF0000 ">I helped you crash and burn#FF0000 ">;
#FF0000 ">I showed you that a heart is no more than a throbbing, beating thing#FF0000 ">-
tears are just water droplets shed from your
innocent bystander eyes.
#FF0000 ">I told you#FF0000 ">: 'you don't have to love anyone' you laughed#FF0000 ">, and said#FF0000 ">:
'good, #FF0000 ">cause #FF0000 ">I don't love you.'
#FF0000 ">I said you're right. I don't love me either."

interesting and deep twist, loved it.
Keep writing,
SubjectBlue.

Hi there!

Wow, this sounds interesting. All right, my comments are in #BF0000 ">red below.

rayannes life wrote:one night your window was open
so i sat on the #BF0000 ">windowsill
and watched you try to sleep #BF0000 ">I think it sounds better this way.
i told you that i could fly you out of this place so you took my hand and said let's go. #BF0000 ">Put quotation marks around the underlined words.
and we jumped,
you let go of everything sturdy in your life
and gravity was merciless,
but i helped you crash and burn
i showed you that a heart is no more than a throbbing, beating thing
tears are just water droplets shed from your
innocent bystander eyes.
i told you, 'you don't have to love anyone' you laughed and said
'good, cus #BF0000 ">'cause i don't love you.'
i said you're right. i don't love me either.

Ok, Hello! I am here for some nitpicking. I may change something into proper English, and I am not sure if It was supposed to be that way, or if you just were used to shortened speech or what, but here are my nitpicks:

#4040FF ">One night#4040FF ">, your window was open#4040FF ">,
so #4040FF ">I sat on the #4040FF ">windowsill,
and watched you try to sleep#4040FF ">.
#4040FF ">I told you that #4040FF ">I could fly you out of this place#4040FF ">, so you took my hand and said let's go#4040FF ">,
and we jumped#4040FF ">.
#4040FF ">You let go of everything sturdy in your life#4040FF ">,
and gravity was merciless,
but #4040FF ">I helped you crash and burn#4040FF ">.
#4040FF ">I showed you that a heart is no more than a throbbing, beating thing#4040FF ">,
that tears are just water droplets shed from your
innocent bystander eyes.
#4040FF ">I told you#4040FF "> that you don't have to love anyone#4040FF ">. #4040FF ">You laughed and said#4040FF ">,
'#4040FF ">Good, #4040FF ">Because i don't love you.'
#4040FF ">I said #4040FF ">'You're right#4040FF ">, #4040FF ">I don't love me either#4040FF ">.'

thanks for fixing some of those things, it really helps
but some things i can explain:
i put crash and burn together because they go tegether, they're like a pair, and same with innocent bystander eyes because the eyes are innocent bystanders.
get my drift?
thanks for you comment

ok, first off

and we jumped

and gravity was merciless,
but i helped you crash and burn

i told you, 'you don't have to love anyone' you laughed and said
'good, cus i don't love you.'
i said you're right. i don't love me either.